Living with OCD can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. The intrusive thoughts and distressing feelings may make you feel like you should be able to “control” or eliminate them, leading to frustration and self-blame. Do you find yourself spending all day trying to manage OCD, only to feel completely drained by the evening? You might even think, “Who has time for self-compassion?”
Quite often, it’s difficult to recognize that you are not at fault for the distress OCD brings. Whether you’re personally struggling with OCD or supporting a loved one who is, self-compassion can easily be the last thing on your mind.
For parents, seeing a child suffer from OCD can be heartbreaking. Balancing their needs, caring for other children, managing household responsibilities, and handling life’s demands can leave the entire family feeling exhausted. Self-care is essential and self-compassion is too!
If you’re a partner or spouse of someone with OCD, you may experience frustration, exhaustion, and even guilt. You want to understand their struggles, but at times, you might find yourself acting as the “OCD police”—only to regret it later. Supporting your loved one’s treatment is important, but who is supporting you?
Research shows that practicing self-compassion during difficult times can improve emotional resilience and well-being. Let’s explore why self-compassion is beneficial.
The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion helps individuals:
- Experience less self-pity and recognize that hardship is a shared human experience.
- Reduce rumination and gain clarity during difficult times.
- Adopt healthier long-term behaviors.
- Boost their intrinsic motivation.
- Reach their full potential and are more likely to persevere after setbacks.
- Cultivate resilience and the courage to confront challenges.
- Foster caring and supportive relationships with others.
- Improve mental health by decreasing anxiety, depression, stress, and shame.
- Develop inner strength and embrace personal growth, including learning from mistakes without excessive self-criticism.
Barriers to Self-Compassion
Even when we understand the importance of self-compassion, we may resist it. Some common misconceptions include:
- I don’t deserve to be loved or treated kindly.
- Self-compassion can make me weak or complacent.
- Self-compassion can lead to selfishness or even narcissism.
- Self-criticism is the only way to succeed and push through adversity.
On the contrary, Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion is not synonymous with self-indulgence or weakness. In fact, self-compassion enhances our capacity to support others. Kristin states, “You cannot give to others what you don’t have yourself.” If we fail to show compassion and kindness to ourselves, how can we truly provide it to our loved ones?
It’s difficult to change habits, but it’s possible. Let’s clarify what self-compassion really means and how you can start making small changes towards shifting your opinion and start seeing the benefits of practicing it.
Shifting Your Perspective on Self-Compassion
Pause for a moment and reflect on the last time you found yourself alone, feeling overwhelmed by a mistake or challenge. How did you treat yourself? Chances are, you weren’t as gentle as you would be with a loved one in a similar situation.
Now, imagine having a conversation with a close friend or family member who is struggling with the same OCD-related difficulties you experience. Would you tell them they’re failing or that they should feel ashamed? Certainly not. You would probably extend to them patience, understanding, and validation.
In essence, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and empathy that you would offer to someone dear to you who is facing comparable struggles.
Neff outlines three guiding principles for cultivating self-compassion:
Mindfulness: Acknowledging the pain we are experiencing in the present moment without judgment. The way we speak to ourselves matters. Rather than resorting to harsh self-criticism, we can acknowledge our struggles with phrases like:
- This is really difficult.
- Darn, this is hard.
- It totally stinks!
Common Humanity: Recognizing that we are not alone in our struggles. Pain and suffering are universal human experiences. When we acknowledge this, we can cultivate greater compassion for ourselves and others. How can we recognize the shared experience of pain?
- I made a mistake, and mistakes are part of being human.
- I don’t have to be perfect—no one is!
- Everyone faces challenges; I’m not alone in this.
Self-kindness: Offering ourselves the same understanding and care we would give to a loved one experiencing similar pain. In moments of struggle, we can ask ourselves:
- What do I need right now?
- Can I give myself some slack?
- Besides kindness, do I need patience, comfort, motivation, forgiveness, or courage?
These three principles don’t need to be followed in that order, but recognizing them in difficult times can improve emotional resilience and well-being.
Taking Action: A Daily Practice
As usual, research is one thing—practicing it is another. Next time you experience emotional, mental, or physical pain, try this:
- Acknowledge the pain instead of pushing it away.
- Remind yourself that you are not alone in this struggle.
- Show kindness to yourself in the same way you would to someone you love.
Regardless of whether you are supporting a loved one with OCD or struggling yourself, you deserve compassion just as much as anyone else. Making self-compassion a regular practice can transform the way you navigate life’s challenges.Will you take a moment today to extend some compassion towards yourself? Even the small acts of self-compassion, particularly in challenging times, can have a significant impact. With time, this practice might transform how you view yourself and your life.
“Talk to yourself like someone you love.” – Brené Brown
References
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow.
Neff, K. & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. New York: The Guilford Press.
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
