Why Trying to Relax Can Make Anxiety Worse

Do you wake up already tense — even after a full night’s sleep?

Does your mind jump straight into “what if” thoughts? Do your muscles tighten? Do you feel your stomach twisting and your heart racing for no clear reason?

And when that happens, do you tell yourself: “Just relax!”

It makes sense. Anxiety feels awful. Of course you want it gone.

But here’s the problem: Trying to force anxiety away often makes it stronger.

The Anxiety Trap

Many people say:

• “I’m doing breathing exercises so this will stop.”
• “I need to calm down fast.”
• “I just want it gone.”

When relaxation is used to eliminate anxiety, it can backfire. Research shows that trying to relax with urgency can actually increase anxiety (Kim & Newman, 2019).

Why?

Think about this: When someone says, “Don’t think about a polar bear,” what happens? You immediately picture one (Wegner et al., 1987).

The same thing happens with anxiety. When you focus on getting rid of it, your brain keeps checking if it’s still there. That monitoring keeps your nervous system activated.

Why Relaxing Backfires

When you tell yourself, “This has to work,” your brain hears pressure.Pressure feels like danger.

And when your brain senses danger, it turns on the alarm system:

• Heart rate increases
• Muscles tighten
• Thoughts become more catastrophic

The problem isn’t the breathing exercise. It’s the struggle behind it.

Try This Instead

Shift your goal. Instead of trying to relax, try observing.

• Notice sensations and the urge to fight them
• Respond differently
• Watch thoughts and notice the urge to judge them
• Let your thoughts come and go
• Let feelings rise and fall
• Stay in the present moment

Relaxation says: “This needs to stop.”

Awareness says: “This is uncomfortable, but I can allow it.”

That small shift changes how your nervous system responds.

Resetting the Alarm

Anxiety activates your brain’s safety alarm. It’s meant to protect you — but sometimes it misfires.

When you practice noticing anxiety and letting it be instead of battling it, you send a new message: “There is no real danger right now.”

Over time, the alarm becomes less reactive. This idea is central to acceptance-based approaches to anxiety (Hayes et al., 1999; Hayes, 2019).

And, it takes practice. Your brain can change through experience — not force.

A Better Question

Instead of asking: “How do I make this stop?”

Try asking: “Can I allow this moment without fighting it?”

It feels unnatural at first. But many people discover something surprising: Anxiety loses intensity when they stop trying so hard to push it away.

References

Kim, H., & Newman, M. G. (2019). The paradox of relaxation training: Relaxation-induced anxiety and mediation effects of negative contrast sensitivity in generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. Journal of Affective Disorders, 259, 271–278. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.08.045

Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R., & White, T. L. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5–13.

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.

Hayes, S. C. (2019). A liberated mind: How to pivot toward what matters. Avery.

By Annabella Hagen, LCSW

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