When Anxiety & Self-Criticism Meet Self-Kindness
June 15, 2026
When delivering an important presentation, many of us might feel an awful knot in our stomach while our mind whispers, “They are going to think you are a terrible presenter.” Or, when our mind reminds us, “I’ve got to get this job or I’ll be broke,” a heavy black cloud can take over.
We feel anxious because our minds warn us of negative consequences. If we also struggle with conditions like OCD, trauma, social anxiety, depression, ADHD, or maladaptive perfectionism, that anxiety can feel a thousand times worse.
Our deepest human need is for things to make sense so we can feel safe. We have an amazing mind whose number one job is to help us do exactly that. But when things don’t go as planned—like making a mistake in a presentation—our mind rushes to give us an explanation.
This is where the trouble begins. We often accept our mind’s answer that makes most sense even though it might be unhelpful: “You are just lame!” Because we want a reason for why we failed, we might decide this cruel statement must be true.
The Trap of Self-Criticism
When this happens, we feel awful, beat ourselves up, and take all the blame. Before we realize it, we feel defeated and angry. Then, our mind might produce even more thoughts like, “What’s the point? Just stop trying.”
In that moment, we get stuck and carried away by self-criticism. Believing these thoughts feels like problem-solving, but it actually does the opposite. We end up feeling more depressed and anxious, and we continue to spiral downward.
The good news is that we can change how we respond. Our mind is just trying to be helpful; its main job is to keep us safe by making sense of painful feelings when outcomes don’t match our expectations.
Treating Yourself Like a Friend
In those difficult moments, what do we actually need?
Imagine your best friend was beating themselves up over a similar mistake. Would you criticize them or tell them to just toughen up? Of course not. You would probably place a kind hand on their shoulder, look at them with warmth, and say, “This is really tough. I’m here for you, and I’ve got your back.”
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff confirms that showing kindness to yourself can greatly lessen the emotional pain we all experience. Life is difficult, and no one is free from suffering. Can we just give ourselves a little slack when things don’t go our way?
You might say, “I’m just not good at this self-kindness thing.” But we can never be good at things we don’t practice! If we want to play the guitar or run a marathon, we have to put in the work.
Would you be willing to take just a few minutes every day to practice a simple exercise? Give yourself a chance to see if what the research says is true. Here we go.
The Caring and Kind Hand Practice
This brief skill will help you stay open and kind to yourself when you face self-criticism.
- Find a comfortable position. Sit or stand in a way that feels comfortable.
- Locate the pain. Find the spot in your body where you feel the emotional pain (like shame, guilt, fear, or anxiety).
- Bring in kindness. Imagine one of your hands belongs to someone who is incredibly kind. Place it gently on the hurting area (like your chest, stomach, or forehead).
- Notice the feeling. Feel the touch of your hand and the warmth flowing into your body. Imagine the hurting area softening and opening up, creating a little breathing room inside you.
- Connect with care. Think about how you would offer this same gentle touch to a loved one who was struggling.
- Breathe. Take a few deep breaths, continuing to bring warmth and care to this area.
You can stay in this practice for as long as you need.
Photo by Thomas guercio on Unsplash
